The perfect storm

For many of us, fertility struggles at this time of the year brings a heightened sense of isolation and loneliness.  The rest of the world is celebrating and appears filled with continual joy.  It ends up being a painful reminder of what we want but don’t yet have and can often leave us wondering will it every happen? It is also a stark reflection of time.  Will I be feeling this way this time next year? How has another year passed and I’m still not pregnant? 

Christmas is a time for family.  However, family gatherings at Christmas can be a mine field.  We see relatives we haven’t seen in a while who see no reason in asking insensitive questions ‘Anything I should know?’ ‘When are you going to give us a grandchild?’’ You’re getting on a bit, you’d want to think about having a baby sooner rather than later?’ And then there are those that will offer advice that really if you had already known, you would undoubtedly be pregnant (You know who I’m talking about). ‘Why don’t you just relax and take a holiday?’ ‘My neighbours friends aunts daughter took this vitamin and she got pregnant in two weeks, you should try it’ ‘Have you thought of IVF?’ Yes we’ve all been there.  These comments and questions are done without malice but only serve as a reminder that you are not where you would like to be on your fertility journey.  

Christmas is in itself a child-centred holiday.  It largely revolves around the celebration of a woman who never asked for a baby but received one without ever touching a basal body thermometer or ovulation testing kit.  Sometimes everywhere you look, you see children holding their parents hands excitedly going to a pantomime, to see Santa.  Children’s toys fill the shop windows. You listen to colleagues and friends talk about buying presents for their children.  Social media is inundated with ‘perfect’ family Christmas photos.  It can leave you feeling empty, isolated, angry and begrudgingly jealous.   Often you wonder ‘What’s the point in decorating the house? What’s the point in waking up on Christmas morning never having experienced the thrill of children finding their presents?’.  

You may feel that all you want to do is to hide under the duvet until January 1st.   

There is no one right way to tackle the Christmas period.  It will be different for everyone.  Certain situations, people, comments will trigger people depending on where you are in your fertility journey, how you are feeling in that moment and as I’ve encountered it often depends on who says what and how they say it.  

The most important thing to remember is that no suggestion or insight is going to take away the pain and loss of a fertility struggle.  Infertility is a life crisis compounded with grief with no known end in sight.  These painful feelings are universal for those experiencing infertility at this time. Pair this with the festive season and you have the perfect storm.

Here are some suggestions that may help you to navigate Christmas.  Pick the ones that are relevant to you.

• Give yourself permission to take a break from social media over the Christmas period.  Seeing all these apparently ‘perfect’ Christmas families 
• Don’t isolate yourself from everyone.  Confide in people you trust and feel comfortable with.  
• Is there anything you can do to give yourself another focus during the festive season such as a spa day or a holiday or meeting up with friends who don’t have children or that friend who always makes you laugh.
• Talk to your partner about your anxieties.
• Volunteering to help others over this period can help both them and you.  Helping other people can make you feel good and help get a bit of respite from thinking about your own struggles.
• Remember you are not alone- 1 in 6 couples struggle with infertility so there are many people feeling the same way as you.  Joining an infertility forum can be a good way of getting some support over this difficult time with others that understand how you are feeling.
• Get outdoors.  Yes I know, forest bathing has been the new buzzword for destressing BUT it most definitely works.  There is nothing like being wrapped up warm surrounded by nature in the fresh air.  
• Consider going away for Christmas.  This may be an option if you want to avoid all the Christmas hype that you don’t really want to be a part of.  I’ve done this and found it a great way to recalibrate and take time out.  It’s amazing what a change of scenery can do for your mental health.

And always remember your feelings are valid.  Don’t try to push them down because we are told that Christmas is the happiest time of the year and therefore we should be ecstatically happy.  Allow yourself to feel sad or cry.  Don’t judge yourself or try to push through, just let it out.  Its okay and its normal.  Dealing with infertility at any time of the year is hard but it can be heart-wrenchingly difficult at Christmas.  So please be kind to yourself and do what you need to do to manage your emotional health this festive period.